Teenagers know far too much about sex, says Max Pemberton
'And when Mummy and Daddy really love each other..." my mum says, blinking at me with a fixed smile. "Yeah, I know," I interrupt, dreading where this conversation is leading.
My dad, sitting alongside her on the sofa, has an air of contained panic and a strange constipated expression. Mum is holding a booklet. "Sometimes they give each other a special kind of cuddle," she perseveres, swallowing hard. "Yeah, thanks, really," I interrupt again, wondering which of us has turned the deepest shade of red. "And sometimes then what happens is that Daddy's..." her voice falters. "OK, OK, thanks, that's enough!" I scream.
"Basically, your mother and I want to talk to you about..." begins my dad, who was doing well up to this point. I am now rather enjoying their attempts to avoid using any remotely naughty words. "...conjugal relations," he continues, after a lengthy pause. "Making love," she butts in, fearing that conjugal relations sounds like something to do with international politics.
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